Photo Essays
3 MIN READ
Nirman Shrestha uses his art to document his experience of living with depression.
I am depressed and under medication.
Like in many other places, in Nepal, too, depression is a taboo subject. People are afraid to talk about it, and I was culturally embarrassed to talk about my depression. When it first emerged, I tried to bury it deep within myself. Ironically, it drew me in tighter and pulled me down with it. I became afraid of life and began to wonder if every moment was even worth living. I sank lower, constantly thinking about ways to die. The people I loved and the pain they would go through with my suicide was the one small thread that kept me hanging. And I hung tight. I dangled like my life depended on that thread, because it did.
Then, I sought assistance: from a psychotherapist, from my family, and everyone who believed in me. And I kept myself busy. I am still not completely out of it; it is a work in progress, a constant battle. I am working my way out slowly but I still feel guilty about a lot of things. I have hurt the people I love the most. I was selfish, putting myself at the centre while creating great voids in everyone else. Maybe apologies will never fill that emptiness, but I am slowly trying to accept that darkness and move forward. That is the only way out.
With this series of photos, I want to talk to people about depression – about the times they were really low, and about the times when they felt life was not worth living.
I want this to be an open discussion. I want to say that it is ok to be depressed, it is alright to feel low, it is fine to talk and share with others, it is ok to seek help. Because we are only able to rise when we lie lowest, most often with the help of someone who believes in us (and sometimes when we ourselves feel that it’s time to stand and move forward)
In the darkness within the light,
wishing someone listen to our silence,
we search within our dark shades
to find the flowers beneath.
The flowers shine bright, upside down
showing the stars on the grounds.
The dead slowly wake up,
among the shadows of alive!
Eyes wide open and wings spread,
we try to fly to the stranger horizon.
All photos by Nirman Shrestha.
If you, or someone you know, is in crisis or thinking of suicide, please seek help from a trained professional. Transcultural Psychosocial Organisation-Nepal (TPO) Crisis Hotline: 1660 0102005. Mental Health Helpline Nepal: 1660 0133666.
Nirman Shrestha Nirman Shrestha loves talking about random mundane things with everyone he meets. If you are interesting, he will take your deadpan portrait. Someday, he hopes to open a gallery space where you can sip coffee, eat muffins, read books, look at the photos and talk about mundane things of life. Sometimes frames define him, other times he defines the frame.
Perspectives
5 min read
Sapana Sanjeevani’s poem took aim at the patriarchal foundations of religion and society, and for that, she’s become the target of death and rape threats.
COVID19
Explainers
4 min read
The ban on yarsa harvesting, implemented to contain Covid19 spread, has upended Dolpa’s economy
Books
5 min read
Niranjan Kunwar’s memoir of life as a gay man is the honest account that Nepal’s literary sphere and LGBTIQ community have long needed
Features
Photo Essays
9 min read
Bhaktapur shows how prioritizing community ownership over foreign aid can help in reconstruction even as Kathmandu remains locked in a confusing mess of national and international stakeholders.
Writing journeys
13 min read
This week, reporter and writer Janak Raj Sapkota writes about how his experimentation with colors and his habit of keeping a journal have helped his writing.
Perspectives
6 min read
Gambling during the festival season can be a fun social activity but it can also lead to serious problems like addiction.
Features
10 min read
Changing the culture of silence surrounding mental illness could save lives
Perspectives
16 min read
Lavkant Chaudhary’s debut solo exhibition “Masinya Dastoor” not only draws from the past, but also engages in the historiography of the present.
